And to that, you realize, life has no purpose. Life proceeds as it does in this stillness.

这次作业是算three－body orbitals。有一道不算分的附加题要求将orbital的轨迹以动画形式演示出来。全班只有个韩国学生做了这道题，不过她本来作业就是满分了，我就有点懒得看最后这个程序，反正看了也不能再加分。不过后来想想，她写这个程序就是希望我能去看。虽然在分数上不能显现出区别，但是很多时候，对别人劳动成果的尊重，比成绩单上简单的几个数字更重要。我想到自己过去辛辛苦苦写出来的申请材料，被学校或者公司以千篇一律的模板邮件拒绝，便觉得自己的劳动超级没有受到尊重。成功和失败都不重要。重要的是对人付出的尊重。

Le Temps des Cerises (The Time of Cherries)

Quand nous chanterons le temps des cerises (Quand nous en serons au temps des cerises)
Et gai rossignol et merle moqueur
Seront tous en fête
Les belles auront la folie en tête
Et les amoureux du soleil au cœur
Quand nous chanterons le temps des cerises
Sifflera bien mieux le merle moqueur

Mais il est bien court le temps des cerises
Où l’on s’en va deux cueillir en rêvant
Des pendants d’oreille…
Cerises d’amour aux robes pareilles (vermeilles)
Tombant sous la feuille (mousse) en gouttes de sang…
Mais il est bien court le temps des cerises
Pendants de corail qu’on cueille en rêvant !

Quand vous en serez au temps des cerises
Si vous avez peur des chagrins d’amour
Évitez les belles !
Moi qui ne crains pas les peines cruelles
Je ne vivrai pas sans souffrir un jour…
Quand vous en serez au temps des cerises
Vous aurez aussi des chagrins (peines) d’amour !

J’aimerai toujours le temps des cerises
C’est de ce temps-là que je garde au cœur
Une plaie ouverte !
Et Dame Fortune, en m’étant offerte
Ne pourra jamais calmer(fermer) ma douleur…
J’aimerai toujours le temps des cerises
Et le souvenir que je garde au cœur !

Even the faces of a mirror shattered into pieces
Reflect glimpses of new life

Window of beginning stillness, new light of the dawn
Let my silent empty body be filled and reborn

No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea
Because here shining inside me, right here inside me

What is shining is Always With Me

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Digged out from my blog an essay that I wrote years ago for college application. Many things have changed in me since. But a few did not. What is innate in you will always be with you.

///

Years ago, when I was still a junior high school student in China, I used to cycle to school each morning on a rusty bike that squeaked at every halt. Sweating across half the city while enjoying or enduring whatever weather had to offer, I never found cycling much of an enjoyment, especially when I was forever straining my head to look through the clogged traffic ahead. Buses rumbled past. And I just caught up with them at every next bus stop, forever inhaling the choking exhaust they left behind.

The way back home ran into many uphills. In the evening when I finished playing soccer and felt like collapsing to the ground, the eight kilometers’ distance to home offered just another test of my stamina. With me plodding at bovine speed, buses rumbled past still, only this time I never caught up with them again. In winter, clad in icy sweat I fell prey to chronic coughing. On rainy days, vehicles ran over the craters all over the road, never failing to drench me in full splashes.

At times, I was just too tired to grudge about others’ carelessness. At times, I was just used to all such ill luck.

When spring came, small insects from nowhere invaded the city without herald. The street was ferment with their riot. A few always bumped into your eyes when you were moving on street. Fluttering open my eyes while tears welled up in my lachrymal, I could hardly keep myself from veering off onto the pedestrian’s pass. And when autumn came, the fluffy seeds just created the same problem as they parachuted down from the parasol trees. In summer, asphalt melted and stuck to your feet while in winter, the city could be as humid as it was cold.

Yet somehow, this monotonous activity of riding has been my fondest memory of the past. There were no breathtaking sights along the way, neither were there historic scenes. Yet, there were just so much more to see, so much to feel for oneself: the different people that came across your way, the little insects that drew a line of intersection with your existence. Even the morning breeze that caressed you contained something more than sheer chance.

And I learnt to appreciate such a simple yet mundane life. The way to school and back home is the only distance for which I could enjoy my solitary being, freed from the stifling curriculum; the only distance for which I could truly be at my will, riding at my ease, while no one was there to judge, or to pressurize. If I were to have anything really to lament about, it would be the people, and the breeze I have so often forgotten to appreciate in my rush to destination.

And I have often missed the time when I was still younger and my father used to ride alongside me late at night, speeding with me through the empty lanes and giggling like an infant. I lost to him every time when we tried to see who can glide further. He would then explain to me how his greater inertia helped him win.

Till this day, I always found gratification from this patch of memory. As I travelled further and for longer away from home, and experienced both ups and downs in my life, I knew how the world could be wonderful if I take another perspective. And when I thought what elements I was made of, it was certainly not the accomplishments and achievements of any kind. It was rather the way I perceive the world. The ability to play piano doesn’t define one; it’s the sort of music one appreciates that defines the person. And I always remember a few words from Saint-Exupery, “One must have ruined oneself for generations keeping a crumbling chateau in repair before one learns to love it.” That is how I learn to love my simple life.

后来某日看到Emily Dickinson的一句话“That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet” （生命因不能重现而美丽），突然觉得很有道理. 正因为生命不能重现，选择一样东西便意味着永远放弃了其他可能性，我们所选择的东西才会如此珍贵。事业如此，婚姻如此，人生亦如此。如果每个人都能活好几次，每一次都能尝试去实现不同的梦想，那么梦想大约也就不那么值钱了。于是便想到自己那些五花八门的兴趣爱好，以及口口声声对物理的热爱。其实是我还不愿意为物理放弃这些所谓的可能性。夏天回国的时候，爸爸就曾批评过我没有做学问的专心致志的品质。现在想来，确实是这样。你有多爱一个人或者一件事物，就看你为这个人这件事物放弃了多少东西。而我现在所要做的，就是改变我想做“完人”的观念。不过其实不管怎么样，我都是做不了“完人”的。学物理都觉得很吃力了，连分内的事都不能完全做好，再去想着分外的事情实在有点可笑。所以，我还是应该做一只一心一意做一件事的乌龟，而不是整天三心二意的兔子。

关于失败
最近也有些新的感悟。我一直没有意识到这个问题，其实我是个非常怕失败的人。因为怕失败，所以不敢去做很多事情。不敢去做理论物理，因为怕被拒绝不敢去问更多的教授是不是还收学生，甚至于做实验，因为怕弄坏仪器而不敢自己先动手。很多时候，这些怕失败的情绪都被掩藏在谨慎，小心，以及脸皮薄的外表下不被发现。而一旦失败了，我就心灰意冷，丧失动力很久才能恢复。

这几天读一部有关林语堂的书籍，《幸福是一项成就》。说到生命的意义与人类追求进步的本质。林语堂认为，人类所谓的文明进步，只不过是自我意识形态中的进步。过去这一千多年，人类只是不断的用精神财富去换取物质财富。几千年前人类社会很高的道德标准在今天被高度的物质文明所代替。所以这些进步谈不上真正意义上的进步。虽然这是对整个人类社会的观察，但是看清了这些变化的本质，就明白这些道理也运用于个人。世间万物，有得即有失。如果真的把生命当作一个成长的过程，而不是一个积累荣誉与财富的过程，那么失败就不会显得那么痛苦。其实我现在想想自己在新加坡的那些痛苦经历，也还是赋予了我不少品质的：因为受到老师的不公平待遇，我现在就格外主意平等待人。因为室友和别的同学的排挤，我现在为人处事便格外主意替别人考虑。失败与痛苦让我变得内敛，但我觉得这也不是一件坏事。它使我对别人的痛苦更加体会至微，更加懂得谦让与关心别人。

关于幸福
我觉得林语堂有两句话说得很好。
幸福：一是睡在自家的床上。二是吃父母做的饭菜。三是听爱人给你说情话。四是跟孩子做游戏。
“在他看来，人生无非饮食男女，家庭生活，朋友之情，心地清净，不欠债及冬天早晨得一碗热粥加一碟咸萝卜干这些实实在在平平常常的享受”。
我觉得这两句话说得很好。幸福就是这样一种平平静静，简单充实的感觉。就像在图书馆里看书乏了伸个懒腰的那种感觉。读林语堂的书，便觉得他的生活充满了智慧，平静，与乐趣。于是便想起《龙猫》里的皋月与梅的父亲，他的生活虽然清苦，但是一家人其乐融融。还有丘成桐回忆他在港大做中文教授的父亲：父亲虽然收入并不宽裕，但每每总是邀请学生到家里作客讨论功课，我们一家也是其乐融融。

丘的父亲说：寻孔颜乐处，拓万古心胸。

我觉得，成功，失败，清贫，富裕，我们在其中成长，学会做人，找到内心的平静。这便是生命的真谛。

钱学森父亲给儿的临行赠言。从同学那里看到的。感慨万千。青春年少，悲从何来。